One Step Closer…

This will be a journey. There is no easy way of figuring this out. No magic pill that I can take to reverse the affects of this crazy unpredictable disease. No way that I cannot have problems remembering things that have happened in my past. Two years are unaccounted for from college, including my freshman and sophomore year. The rest are just bits and pieces that I can recall. Maybe this started then? Who knows?

The only symptoms that I feel, other than memory loss is chronic fatigue. So chronic that sometimes taking a shower is exhausting. Let alone doing my hair, putting on make up and actually leaving the house. There is a constant battle in my brain about what I should be doing and what I can actually get accomplished.

I didn’t move to Houston to lie in my bed all day! God didn’t give me this personality and brains to watch Netflix days on end. I want to do something! To be somebody! To be successful, and not have to live under peoples rules. I want to be able to wake up one day and look my boss in the mirror. My boss will be myself. Not someone that I feel bad calling and letting them know my body won’t cooperate and I will have to work from home. Again. Only to do mindless tedious tasks that a monkey can do for eight hours on end. I am smarter than that. I am more capable of that. Don’t get me wrong, I understand about paying your dues. I get it, I really do. But I feel like I paid them. What have I not learned yet? What do I need to know that I have to keep going around the same mountain? Dear Lord! What is it that I don’t know yet? It will be a journey. I have to figure this out to be elevated, to be able to do the things that I want to be able to do. Maybe the fatigue will not get better. But then again maybe it will. Maybe I’ll figure out what it is I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what it is, but I do know that I have greatness inside of me. And just like this, it was a journey for me to figure that out.

One thought on “One Step Closer…

  1. Ash,
    It kills me to hear this. Where did your positive attitude go? I know it’s frustrating and down right maddening, but you cannot let it get you down. YOU GOT THIS! Research! Be your own advocate! Knowledge is Power! I am only a phone call away. The best way to live with this stupid ass disease is to FIGHT BACK with a positive attitude. I understand it is exhausting and inconvenient, but it isn’t going away until a cure is found. Writing what you feel is awesome! Let it be the tool to get rid of the negativity. Then find your POSITIVE, CAN DO ATTITUDE! Try beginning each day (instead of week) with a fresh outlook. BTW, they do have pink walkers! It’s an Easter pink though. If you HAVE to get a walker, own it! Go to Home Depot and get the exact color you want in spray paint and accessorize. Make it fun, my friend. XOXO

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