It has been probably two months since I have gotten out of the house to do more than the following:
- Go to work
- Grocery shop
- Go to Support Group
My life, as it sounds has been pretty boring. The reason being? Oh, I have MS!
Seriously. The reason being, I was in denial and in a relapse for a while.
My weekends were spent in bed, where I watched or mainly stared at the screen, not really paying attention to what the characters were saying for hours on end until I would eventually fall asleep. I would wake up and do it all over again. A lot of you might be thinking ,“Man that sounds great, a lot of doing nothing? No plans?”
It was great… at first and then it just got BORING.
I can’t tell you what movies I watched, what shows I watched, how many Instagram pages I decided to follow, or Pinterest boards I decided to make or pin, or whatever it is that you do with Pinterest. Mainly because I was numb. I wanted to be numb to the constant pain. Numb to the constant tremor like feelings I had in my legs that I would carelessly explain away in my head.
Feels like any other type of pain
Didn’t we feel that before when we were on drugs?
Hmm that one felt like a nerve twitching-, which btw has been happening for years.
Fast forward two months and I only after hearing that I should go from my roommate, Parents and well meaning friends finally decided to go to the doctor.
Within the first couple of minutes of my doctor seeing me with P-dub (my walker) in tow, taking super slow baby steps. Half walking, half dragging my right foot across the floor, he informed me this was in fact a relapse, and had me start on a three-day steroid infusion the next Monday.
If I’m being completely honest, Monday was partly my decision. The doctor wanted to start that day (Friday) but all I could think about was that I still had stuff to do at work.
I know, one day I will realize which one comes first, my job or me.
The next Monday afternoon I drove from work to Baylor College of Medicine where I would get an IV and have this clear liquid pumped into me for two hours. While there I met every walk of life of MS.
Some couldn’t walk, and drove in on scooters, some were wearing heels and sashayed to their IV stations, some were blind at one point, and some only symptom was intermittent numbness. All different, but all have this one thing in common. We were fighting. Fighting to be better, fighting to have some quality of life, fighting to be able to do what so many others are able to do so easily. IV’s in arm, dazed look on our faces, exhausted, glassy eyed. We knew what each of us were made of. There, in that room, hooked to IV’s, you couldn’t tell us Nothin!
So now, after three days that turned into five days of sitting with an IV in me for two hours, having steroids pumped into me. Enduring the crazy mood swings, insatiable food cravings, weight gain, swollen extremities, not being able to stand for long, or when able to having to bend my knees because the weight of my body standing was too much to bear. After enduring all of that I attended a wedding of one of my girlfriends.
The ceremony like the day was beautiful. The bride looked stunning and you could feel the love in the place. I was truly happy and honored to be there.
The reception started and so did the voices in my head that quickly turned into an internal debate.
Should we get up in dance when it’s time?
What if we legit have a knee issue and fall?
What if we try to drop it like it’s hot and can’t get back up? (It’s happened btw – P.D. -don’t judge)
Ok, do we still have rhythm?
Of course we have rhythm we danced for 10 years!
But, what if we have another relapse and walking/standing becomes more of a problem?
You can’t get a relapse from dancing get it together!
We don’t know how many chances we have?
Life is short! Who cares?! Dance!!! For the love of God woman, dance!
Get it together legs!
Finally a song came that I loved- memory issues have kind of cancelled which song it was – I grabbed my date’s hand and we went to the dance floor.
I remember swaying back and forth with my arms at my side. The voices didn’t subside
Listen body don’t make me look bad.
OMG I’m pretty sure that my teeth are going over my bottom- OMG you are NOT a white man and you WILL NOT do the white mans overbite! Get. It. Together. Bryant!
OK, good. Do something with your arms
“I Need to sit down” I told my date and limped back to my seat.
The rest of the wedding was as beautiful as the beginning. I chair danced the rest of the night, and my date along with the rest of table who consisted of friends and co workers stayed, and chair danced with me.
A few more songs and the reception came to an end. We all filed out of the reception area to the front driveway where we lighted sprinklers, and waited for the new couple to walk through to their car to enjoy the rest of their wedding night.
As I toddler walked to the car I was told by a friend he was proud of me. At that moment I was proud of myself too.
When I think back on that night, I’ll think – That night, I danced.