LO – LO – LOVE

Lets rewind… I used to be so consumed with the thought of Love. I don’t know why, blame it on the Disney movies, Afternoon stories I used to watch with my mother, or just the narrative that we were told growing up: 

“One day you will get married and have babies, but not until you find the one.”

 Oh…the elusive one.

What does that even mean?

 I have friends who are married, engaged, with life partners… and for each of them, knowing when they met the one was different. So for someone who is just not that great at dating, really I’m not sure I’m equipped.  I would always ask what does it look like? How did you know? I thought I knew once. But that didn’t work out, so…obvi I was wrong. 

I now think about what it would mean for me, especially living with a chronic illness. Let’s be real for a second, MS isn’t always pretty. It’s a lot of brain fog, extreme pain that makes even the littlest touch makes you want to throat punch the person who touched you, sexual problems- yeah I’m getting real today ladies and gents, and a whole list of other fun things.  Its just not always pretty.  So this “one’ would have to deal with the fun bag which is MS. But, more importantly I would need to want them in my space long enough to even be aware of these things. Which, if I’m being honest isn’t always easy. I’m not always the greatest at opening up, or wanting to share my space, especially with new people. 

My go to phrase for the past two years has been ‘I don’t know you’ it doesn’t matter if it’s a new dating prospect or friend. If they ask too many questions, want too much information that’s my go to response. (I know- defensive much?) . A lot of times this is said in my head because I’m trying really hard to get my mouth under control- its getting better, Won’t he do it! But my face, its my face that still needs deliverance.

How can I expect someone to be there, to accept all of me if they don’t know me?

That’s the million-dollar question isn’t it? And all this coming from a girl with the word Love tattooed on her body.  

SMH

But then there are different kinds of love aren’t there? No one said all love has to be romantic love. There’s self- love, friendship-love, family-love…the list can go on.

The recent love story I’ve had was with myself. I shared a little in the last post and past posts I had to do a lot of self- discovery, and self-care, I had to learn to love myself again. Because there was a time that I think know I strongly disliked myself. I didn’t think I was deserving of anything, and whether it was from listening to other people’s narratives of me or just being depressed that’s where I was. It was a very ugly process, one I’m still working on. It consists of re-writing the narrative In my head of things I can do, things I’m deserving of, things I tolerate and basically reminding myself that since I have this illness it doesn’t mean I’m not deserving of a certain kind of life. It’s been a lot of Jesus, a lot of patience and a lot of focus.  

And a huge realization that Gods love is going to supersede any love a human can give me, and if I’m being honest love I can give myself.

So does that mean that since I’m doing the work, the one will slide into my DM’s or find me at the grocery store/ Target? Who knows?! What I do know is this “one” everyone is talking about or talked about isn’t someone who is going to come and make everything in your life perfect. They might come and make you better, but not perfect.

All we can do is try and meet people where we’re at, find out how you want to be loved and communicate that to your partner. Decide how you want to be loved and not accept anything less if  it doesn’t vibe with you. 

Would love to hear your thoughts.....